Word on the street is that today’s parents are unhappy. At least that’s what journalist Jennifer Senior boldly reveals in her recent “New York Magazine” cover story titled “I love my children. I hate my life.”
Senior reports on several academic studies indicating that parents are less happy than their childless peers. she also writes that marital satisfaction decreases with children, mothers are less happy than fathers, and parents with multiple children are less happy than those with only one. What’s more, every successive generation has been “more put out by having children than the last–our current one most of all.”
In a nutshell, this story makes the case that we all love our kids but we’re downright sad and depressed. why? too many reasons to list but a few include busier lives, more pressure and guilt, and the trend of waiting longer to have kids.
While I don’t entirely agree with the sweeping generalizations presented in this article because god forbid I’m a parent and actually quite happy, I will agree that I see flashes of unhappiness in my friends, and myself at times.
I see it in my friends who applied to nine San Francisco preschools and were rejected by all. I see it in friends whose homes are worth a lot less now than they were five years ago. I see it in friends whose husbands travel during the week for work. And I see it in myself who is juggling four jobs, two kids, and a husband in a new job.
But I hate to dwell on the negative and so instead I’m spinning this topic around and offering 10 simple, probably overly preachy tips on becoming a happier parent. please feel free to share yours in the comments.
1) Talk about something besides kids with your friends. Friends are key to survival when you’re a parent. They listen, provide support, make you laugh, give your family a place to go on Friday nights, and help you get into preschool.
They also cause a lot of unnecessary angst because when you’re a parent it’s nearly impossible to not compare your parenting with that of your friends’ and conclude that you’re doing something wrong.
One of the best ways to combat these feelings of hurt is to lighten up on the conversations about sleep schedules, preschool admissions, and chemical toxins that are causing autism, cancer, ADHD. Do you really need to know all the details of how your friend puts her kid to bed at 6 p.m. on the dot every night? It’ll just make you feel crappy about your own child’s erratic bedtime.
That said, conversations about kids among friends are crucial and make you feel like you’re not alone–but it’s healthy for your relationship if you can talk about other things: books, celebrities, politics, raising chickens. Whatever it takes to move on from a conversation about which plastic toys contain BPA.
I recently got my hair cut and the stylist asked, “What books are you reading right now?” it was such a refreshing question…I can’t remember when someone last asked me that. the sad thing is that I had to reply, “Nurture Shock.”
2) put down that parenting book. these days there’s a right and a wrong way to parent. There’s a right way to tell your child there’s an error in his homework. There’s a right way to teach your child to share. There’s a right way to potty train, sleep train, discipline…and the list goes on. And there are books filled with advice on how to these things the right way–and if you read all of these books you will drive yourself crazy. You will question every move you make and fret over every mistake. I know…I have read a lot these books.
Of course, these books serve a purpose and come in handy at times, but you also need to trust your instincts. You know more than you think and the key to parenting isn’t in a book (or in a blog)–it’s in your heart.
3) Skip birthday parties. If you’re going to three birthday parties and crossing more than one bridge in one day, you have a problem. I don’t care how popular your kid is and how many friends he has, but you should never spend your entire Saturday watching children bang bats at pinatas and talking to moms about whether Noe Valley Bakery or Mitchell’s Ice Cream makes better children’s birthday cakes (although I have to admit this is a favorite topic of conversation of mine).
A proper Saturday involves a nap, a good book, a family bike ride or hike, a shared pot of tea with a neighbor, and a lovemaking session (with your partner) while the kids are watching a DVD.
4) Have sex–lots of it. any therapist will tell you that a happy marriage–hey, a happy life–includes sex. that means more than once a month between periods–that means several days in a row so you can perfect technique and get the juices running.
About one in every four Americans married or living with someone say they are so sleep-deprived that they are often too tired to have sex, according to the New York Times. that Saturday nap should help.
And if you can’t possibly stir up enough energy for some lovin, then at least roll over and give your partner a kiss goodnight before you fall asleep.
5) Read a book (not a parenting one) at the park.
Why not give yourself a break from all of this and bring a book to read while your kids play on the monkey bars? of course, this isn’t an option with a 2-year-old but once your child is 4 or 5 he should be able to play independently for at least 20 minutes so you can read that final chapter of “The Girl Who Kicked the Hornet’s Nest.”
6) Hang out with childless friends. right after you have a baby, you avoid childless friends like the plague…at least I did. I’m not sure why. maybe I feared that I’d feel jealous of their freedom or maybe I was afraid they couldn’t relate.
That was a mistake because once I started reconnecting with those friends I realized that they are the best cure for parenting overload. And no, it’s not because they can drink more wine. my parent friends are actually heavier drinkers than my kidless friends (wonder why that is?). It’s because they know how to talk about things outside of kids. They actually read the “New York Times” beyond the homepage, see movies in theaters, listen to the latest music, and have travel plans beyond going to Hawaii and Tahoe.
And if you want to talk about your kids, these childless friends listen and admire you for trying to be such a good parent, rather than giving you the name of a great child psychiatrist or telling you that you should read such and such parenting book.
7) Get rid of toys. A girlfriend once told me that she had to see a therapist because she became addicted to sorting her kids’ heaps of toys into the right bins. She’d spend hours meticulously putting the Legos, the Lincoln Logs, the action figures, and the plastic food pieces into the appropriate bins neatly stacked in a giant Pottery Barn shelving unit. the scary thing was that I remember thinking that if I had a therapist, I’d probably bring up the same topic because I was also obsessed with toy sorting. the rest of my house was a complete and total disaster but the toys were always organized.
Bottom line: Our kids have way too many toys–and it’s overwhelming for your kids to keep them organized and you shouldn’t waste your precious, little time doing so. We’re all drowning in plastic even though we hold no-gifts birthday parties and pass out potted plants as party favors. the toys are causing us stress so don’t be afraid to empty some of those toy bins into a garbage bag with stuff and donate it to a preschool or a children’s hospital.
Pull your child out of at least one organized activity. Your child doesn’t need to master the violin, learn to swim all four strokes, perform in a dance recital at the Center for Performing Arts, paint like Picasso, and sing like Barbra Streisand all before age 10. yes, it’s tempting to throw your kids into a million activities because in the Bay Area there are so many cool things kids can do–from organic cooking classes to mommy and me yoga. But have you ever noticed that driving from La Petit Baleen in the Presidio and then rushing to get to Art Works in time for that 6:30 p.m. class is a little exhausting? I have.
Give yourself–and your kid–a break. Your children can still learn to play the guitar in middle school.
9) Sleep, exercise, eat healthy. If you’re a parent, you’re probably not getting enough sleep. in fact, you’re probably walking around like a zombie. the average adult needs at least 71/2 hours every night, according to the Huffington Post, and most parents, especially working moms, aren’t getting this. Make sleep a priority.
Also, if you can, make exercise a priority–even a quick walk around the block will help clear the mind, burn a few calories, and air you out.
And finally, try to eat healthy. You probably feed your kids organic blueberries and yogurt for breakfast or at least a bowl of cereal–but what are you eating?
10) Say “no”–and don’t feel guilty. It’s OK if you don’t want to play babies, Barbies, Bionicles, Storm Troopers…You can say no and not feel like you’re being a bad parent. yes, it’s important to play and interact with your kids but they also need to learn to entertain themselves. Sit on the couch. Paint your nails. Make a pot of tea. Do something for yourself while enjoying the sounds of your little one playing on his own.
And finally, I’ll leave you with this fact from David Code, author of “To Raise happy Kids, put Your Marriage First”: “Studies show today’s parents spend more time with their kids, and yet today’s kids don’t seem happier, more independent or successful.”
Please, feel free to add more tips to the list and join the discussion on the Bay Area Moms Facebook page.
Posted by: Amy Graff (Email, Twitter, Facebook) | July 13 2010 at 11:23 AM
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